Wings That Fly.. Wings that Try

There are times when you are young that you wish you were an adult and didn't have to listen to what everything thought was best for you. One would think that one knows what is best for him or her... and that only people or parents would let them be for once. There was a time in college that i wanted to go for an overnight trip with my friends in college to some nice place. This group of friends were all hosteler's in college while i was a staying with my parents and attended college as a day scholar. I was awed by the independent nature of my fellow students who could go wherever they liked, eat whatever they want, whenever they want.. study in the middle of night.. and sleep the whole day... They had this lifestyle that i thought was very cool. I used to love hanging out with them after college..and always used to hang out with them... but i had my restrictions at home about the time to be home for dinner and having night outs with friends or this cool overnight trip to the beach they had planned. I tried convincing my folks at home... and as usual there was a lot of resistance.. i pestered and pestered till the last day... and they didn't budge.. there was no reason that could have pacified me.. i had a huge showdown with my folks that night.. i gave them a lot of earful about having my life controlled to the last letter by them..and how i feel like an 8 year old going to an engineering college.. it wasn't like my parents had not understood or given me reasonable freedom..but i blamed everything from my bad grades to my supposedly having no real friends due to their attitude towards me.. and i said no i wouldn't go now even if you told me to go... and i went to my room and shut myself there.. i was seething with anger .. and as the anger subsided..the guilt crept in... and i felt that i had just said too much... i love my parents and they have only been protective about me... and even though they were being overprotective sometimes.. the reason was not lost on me totally.. Its then that i wrote a poem on a piece of paper from my diary... and in the morning i slipped it on their morning tea tray.. and my parents read it and that was one of the few times they have read any of my poems.. My dad smiled at me and squeezed my hand and put an arm around my shoulder. A hug would have been a surprise. He said " we may appear harsh but we don't want to smother you.. take your decisions but then be safe.. and always let me know of your whereabouts..We trust you but its hard to let go". I was allowed the next trip without many questions and i kept the part of my promise...Here is the poem that i wrote that day... :)

When will I be free, When will I fly above all

when will my own finally realize, that im now tall

why dont u let me go ,give me a free fall

i may hurt myself, but i will rise and crawl

Expose me and let me fly ,show me my wings

the wings that shine so white, and the voice that sings

the soul that dreams and roams ,the far sea and land

the dreamland untold awaits, may be dark or grand.

Why these white strong wings, when i cant fly

this heart here beats with courage but cant try

It has seen love, of the ones who love me

they protect me, but never will you let me be

Let me be, from your love, try you should

for my heart is small, but my soul is good

For one day i want to grow into your shoes

I wanna sear the clouds, wanna sail the blues.

Please understand today,that i need to grow.

sometimes u need to, let ur loved ones go.

today or tommorow one day, i will be gone.

that day again in this world, i will be born

u will still be my loved ones,u will be in my heart.

just trust me forever, and let me carve my own path.

so that there will be a path, with stones that you lay.

Remember i am a part of you , ur the potter im the clay.

So shape me without a care today,let the clay spin

and let Fate take care of me ,Let the joy brim,

In this world of your Love, Let me go for loves sake.

You and the potter would guide me, a true masterpiece to make.

I revisited this poem after my graduation when i was in Mumbai at my smallish stint at Godrej. There were a lot of things that were not going my way. I was not coming to terms with the responsibility and the fickleness of friendships at that precarious phase of ones life. When you leave behind everything to achieve what you believe is good for you. The price of shouldering your own responsibility while taking up your first job with the passion that is unique to that 20 something spirit, is the realization that the carefree net of parents and friends that always were there during your childhood through your adulthood aren't there anymore.. The parents have finally let go and the friends have their own dreams to chase.. they are still there when you need them..but they are not around anymore.. and there were times in the lonely smallish one room apartment, when i felt suddenly all alone..and scared and wished that time would turn and those days come back again, when friends were always around.. and your flock that had vouched to always keep in touch... couldn't help you to drive that loneliness away... So that day sitting on my bed alone in that dingy apartment.. with memories of my boss reprimanding me for a bad day... and no one around to talk as if nothing happened.. i wrote this again being this bird that seemed suddenly lost..

I am flying high today, flying to the clouds

i have my dreams today,with no bounds

I am gonna fly very high,i thought one day

till the horizon touched, i wont rest in anyway

Today restless i fly, with a faint direction

towards the horizon,i am tired in the reflection

mirrored in the sea below, with those many waves

the wings hit hard and the sea doesn't stay

Into my eyes i look, i see my tired self

then i look out around, not a soul at sight

I look back at the water, and my eyes now red

I think back to the days, from where my life has led

My goal is at sight and i wanna achieve

My self and my happiness i wanna retrieve

But where is my flock that where here with me

where have they gone, why them, i cant see.

Then i realize that i left, left them far behind

or maybe each went away from the searing wind

Thier own sunset and goal,they had to find

but then are they happy or just too blind?

Alone i fly towards my destination, and they thier own

I miss my flock today, i miss my world thats flown

they must have gone, Towards the endless sea

and as i look into my reflection, i find them in me

But why did they have to fly away from me today,

When i need them around me to stay.

They too may be tired, like me yearning somewhere

Calling out loud to me, and i cant be there

Wish they knew that we are chasing the wrong end,

The paths that cross, the messages that blend

Together we can cross the oceans of the world

Together we are flock, alone we are a bird.